Lately I've been feeling a lot of angst in my life and I just cannot seem to drown it out. Last night I lied on my bed and pondered and it brought me nowhere at all. It wasn't even something I could cry about, it just was. I felt completely numb about my life and my future. First I was thinking about my friends and things they have said that maybe I'm looking into too much. Have you felt like people have no idea who you really are? Or that they have this fixed idea of you that you cannot escape? You get this really uncomfortable feeling that you don't belong. Then you think about every move or sentence until you just cannot speak at all. The brain has this amazing way of making you think you're completely alone in the world. Thoughts run through your head that begin to not even make sence anymore and you just wish you could shut them off. I've been feeling more and more this way and I wish I could just "be" without having to think about it. Last night I was out with my friends and I kept thinking I was a character in a film. The one that people don't actually like but feel sorry for them because they are so pathetic. I can't even describe her but I have this clear image of her that I hate so much. In the end I realized this was bullshit and I was being paranoid. It always happens this way. I don't even know why I think about it so much when I know it will be alright like all the other times it's happened. I get one little thought running through my head and it leads into a ridiculous version of my life that's so convincing. I always feel like I am becoming the person I am desperately trying to hide from. It's getting so bad that I am documenting every little word or action. It's almost as if I wish I could have a remote that I could go back and rewind every moment. To be honest, I think I would be stuck in that same place for a long time. It could never be perfect enough. It's complicated. My parents aren't helping either. Living in my house is not healthy anymore. Being the youngest, my parents feel like they have to attach themselves to me and be in every aspect of my life. I'm embararassed by them. I can never just be alone. I need space and it gets to the point where I feel sick when I hear them speak. I went in my basement today to read and my Mom kept coming down and talking to me about nothing at all. My Dad is like an annoying little brother. No matter what I do he has to bother me. I want to move out on my own but I can't afford it. I love them but they need to learn how to detach themselves from my life and realize I'm an adult now. My Mom just needs a friend I think. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if they didn't always fight or nag at eachother and then come to me for sympathy after like I'm their fucking marriage counselor. Oh drama. I love to vent.

Pink Train Park Tiger Beans... Now That's a Catchy Title!

Well, my 20 birthday just passed and I don't feel any different. At least now I can say I'm in my 20's. Strange. The things I planned when I was little. Nothing ever really turns out as planned I guess. It makes life more interesting. I did plan to be going to college and have a boyfriend by now and that hasn't happened. But I never expected that I would have travelled 6 different countries either. I never planned to skydive, or sail, or fly a plane, or almost die in Thailand. Yet I am 20 and I have. I guess I can't say my life is boring. At times, it feels like it. Living at home, working at a coffee shop, hanging out on weekends. That's reality though. If life were exciting every day... it just wouldn't be that interesting. There would be no need to imagine either. That must be why rich people are so boring. It's always the down and out people that seem so interesting. Seriously, some of the coolest people I've met were homeless people on the streets of Vancouver. They appreciate every little thing that brings them the slightest bit of happiness. I'm just too high maintenance for that shit. I'm going to go off topic but I was just thinking about how most of society today is extremely self absorbed and how "people" say we need to love more. When I think about it though, "love" whatever that might be (it's different for everyone) is a little selfish. Think about it. In order to be loved (the most powerful feeling one could have) we need to give love. In that case, aren't we just thinking about ourselves? Love is a strange thing. I love my family because they love me. I love my cat because he makes me feel better. To be "in love" though. I've been infatuated before. I thought it was love at first. It takes that form until it hurts and then you know because "true love" lasts forever. Maybe it only exists in our imagination and that's what makes it so special. To hate someone seems less selfish. To go through the effort of hating someone without getting anything in return. Without it, we wouldn't know love. For some reason though... we fear it. Anyways, that's enough of that shit. I don't understand it and never will. On another note, I'm sick. I have a cold. I haven't had one for about a year and now my entire household is sick and people at work, there's no escaping "the bug." So tonight I rented movies and ate tomato soup. For the first time, I watched "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and I must say that's it has to be one of the best movies of our time. It sure makes you think. The system is so twisted. Psychologists love to make you think you're crazy because they want what's in your pocket. It's true. I bet you could go into a mental institution sane and turn into a lunatic in the end. They want you to feel anything but normal it seems. It's such a manipulative practice. I think psychologists must be a little scattered themselves to get into that type of profession. Does it make them feel better to convince someone that they are weaker than them? To be honest, I saw a therapist a few times and I didn't think I had a problem until after. They pick you apart piece by piece and put you into a little box with a tag on it like you're not even human. Then they sort you out by "title" and send you on to the next room for further inspection. At some point, it's no longer about getting attention and you just give up because you are humiliated more than anything. Whatever... I'm just rambling on now. There are people out there who seriosuly do need mental help and just aren't getting it the right way and I think it's sad. Anyways, that movie is definately worth being watched at least once. Jack Nicholson is an awesome actor and he's so damn cute in this movie. I'm off to bed for the night. I work tomorrow and have to get over this stupid cold! Cheers xox

A reflection
So unfamiliar
She slows her jagged steps
for a better glance
One question
burning in the back of her throat
Choking her
Who is this girl looking back at me?
A face, a body, a voice
A character
clothed in flesh
based on anything at all
It fits her well
this new mask
Simple outside
not like before
yet complicated within
Uncertainty wraps around her
as she stares at the strange figure
Just a reflection

In a room so cold and dark
a stench so potent
You look at me
but not with the same familiar smile
So classic, so delicate
An artist could not capture it's beauty
Only a face, but not your own
Pale as winter, and still like water
Mouth of ink and eyes so hollow
Has she seen you the way i have?
The unrecognizable you
Not painted and dressed up like a doll
So perfect, so flawless
But that's the way she likes you
The only way she can look at you
Even then she can't bear the sight
Not like me
I've seen it all
The ugly, barren you
How could you do this to me?
Leave me to fall?
To see you like this?
Leave me to take the blame?
I knew you so well
or so i thought
Your life so beautiful
yet so dark and frail
At least I know your scent
The only thing I have to hold on to
though soon that will fade
and all I have left
is the burn of the whiskey
The only thing that feels real anymore

Homeless housing is NOT our problem!

You may have noticed that there has been much concern about Vancouver’s poverty and housing issue circulating the news lately and what the government is wanting to do to manage it. Is this a question of trying to actually give these people a better life or are they just trying to eliminate the problem to give Vancouver a better reputation before the Olympics? I realize this has become a problem over the past few years; however, it’s not being dealt with in the best way possible. No wonder more and more people are becoming homeless when you can be provided with everything you need and not expected to give anything back to the general public in return. It almost seems like a good idea for some. There are students who work three jobs to pay for school and the general cost of living. I haven’t seen the government give them anything but a tuition increase. We work hard to put food on the table and provide shelter. Do we receive anything? No. Instead our taxes increase to provide out of work people with food and housing. There is no doubt that conditions of living are harsh on the streets and I realize that many of these people have mental illnesses or addictions. But to suppress the issue by just giving them what they need for nothing in return. Is this the absolute best option there is? Or is it just the fastest and most convenient one before the Olympics begin? Think about it. It’s only going to cover up the problem but in the end, it will not actually solve anything and it will go on for years to come. I have seen people living on the streets that seem quite capable of working, yet it is much easier just to get things handed over to them. Maybe laziness is a factor in all of this. There is no need to change or improve your situation when you are being ultimately rewarded for it. If you actually ask these people, most of them would rather live on the streets instead of working and paying for housing. If we gave them a chance to start a life, some of them would be right back out there. The homeless people of Vancouver are getting used to being mothered by the government. I could almost call it “spoiled.” If you want to see real poverty, go to Thailand or China. Only they aren’t given anything at all but they try to make the best of it because they don’t know any better. Here is an example. A young woman, who often loiters around King George Highway in Surrey and seems quite together asked for money from my friend who then told her to get a job. The woman then replied, “pan-handling is my job.” Here’s a thought to chew on. It may sound utterly ridiculous at first but work around the edges. Make pan-handling taxable! Here’s another idea. Maybe if immigration to British Columbia was cut down, jobs would be more abundant and there would be less people on the streets. It’s not perfect and I honestly don’t know what the solution is. I’m also not going to rack my brain around it because I am not getting paid to do the government’s job. All I am saying is that instead of covering up the problem, get down to the bottom line. Ask what the real issue is behind all of this and then you can resolve it!