A Collection of Poems

This is the rest of my collection of poems from over the years. I'm not doing very much with them so I decided to post them so at least they can be read and maybe appreciated for what they are. Please don't be a dick and leave rude comments. Be mature and have some respect.



DEPENDANT

The most beautiful thing that I've ever seen
Being ripped apart at the seams
You can't walk in a straight line
Because of your unique design
Or so that’s what you like to think
Generations apart
You still inherit his heart
And the leftovers in between
You lie to yourself
Until you can find a way out
But this well is far too steep
Eyes looking sour
Each line must cross another
Every card must be put in place
You open your mouth
The words fall on the ground
He picks up one and stirs it in
And drinks in a reflection of you
Never quite knowing the truth
It's an argument far too complex
And it seems easier just to lose

MANIPULATED GIRL

You hurt me before and you'll do it again
My surface is white
But my body is tired
The bruises rest in my head
You made me feel loved
You made me believe
That I was better than what I really am
You wrapped me up
Cradled me whole
Just to smoke me for all that I am
I should have known better
I should have realized
That this was all part of your plan

Now I'm playing the part
That you want me to
You hold me on your knee
Your words spill out of my razor mouth
You wave my hand
And force me to smile
They cannot see
They cannot recognise me
Under the disguise you created
I can't move the mask
Without piercing the flesh
It's stuck on too tight
With copper nails and a wire band

My eyes are uncovered
You want me to see
The way you are looking at me
They're the one thing that scares you
Makes you feel numb
So you glaze them over one by one
There is nothing left in the end
Now that I stand
With blood on my hands
You better move on to the next
It comes to a point
So broken inside
I completely forget who I am

WEAK

Such a scattered mind
Cannot seem to compromise
The beauty I seek
Whirls in like a child's dream
For once in my life
I am finally free
A pale reality
False sense of security
I fall into disarray
And once again
I am trapped in the enemy’s game
An attraction I cannot explain
The twisted thrill I crave
Weary heads turn away

WAITING

The slightest bit of reason you hold
to feel something so strong
yet not feel it at all
The burn that fills up the once empty spot
where innocence was lost
where a child once lay
The child is gone
And the memory drowned
It's everything you want
But somehow not good enough
The selfish fool you are
to keep wasting your breath
to ignore the facts
Temptation is awaiting
These flesh covered creatures
An odd but amusing representation
The light, the dark, and the child
They laugh because they know
you are one step behind
But it's almost so clear now
The haunting thought that lingers
Like a scab that just won't heal
The constant waiting
It thrills you like nothing else
This is what scares you most
But this is all part of the plan
You wait
And in the end
There is nothing at all

UNTITLED

Always something to prove
Nothing good enough
I am what I am
And it is how it is
I see my fault
I see my strength
This is me
Accept it
I'm frustrated
Misunderstood
By the person who should know me best
He only sees a child of 12
Not one who has grown and wandered
Beyond his comprehension
Gained and lost
Only one who is small and uncertain
Insecure and timid
I'm sorry for my stubborn ways
I don't see the need to change
I'm not a doctor
I'm not a model
But I have a dream
Don't knock it down
Don't laugh in my face
I will do it
I don't need you
Even then, it won't be enough
There's always something
Just because your life didn't work out
Doesn't mean I will be the same
I'm not like you
And I'm not like her
But I'm glad
This is where I fit
It's not perfect
But nothing is
I have emotions
Sometimes anger
Maybe even sadness or doubt
Or uncertainty
I am only human
Just let me have that
Don't scrutinize me
Just let me live

LONELY TRAVELLER

It's a long way to get back to where I came from
I walk on and still can't find where I belong
And all my hope is left in you
I've been so many places
I've seen so many faces
That I don't even know which one is my own
Why do we wander so?
But never know just quite where were going to
I guess my faith is left in you
I want to quit so bad
and go back to what I once had
but then I'll never know
what I am really here for
I've got little money
and I don't got no friends
This long lonely journey
feels like it will never end
God I miss my mother
and I miss the rain
but before I know it
I'll be back in that spot once again
Everyday I wake up
there's something new to fuck up
another desire, temptation
another soulless connection
and under my own deception
another day of rejection
Can I please have your attention?
Where is MY damn redemption?
Another day, another deed
and still I beg and I plead
but every morning I rise
to open brand new eyes
I find new reason to shine
So much beauty surrounds me
and this love astounds me
A joy I can't describe
and this is why
my trust is left in you

A PRAYER

What have I done
I have hurt myself again
I have fallen countless times
The numbers turn to mush
Once this yearning has captured me,
there is no escape
You have paid the price of my fault
and I am in debt to you
I want to be with you
loving you
trusting you
Once again I put on my armour
and put up this feeble wall,
I can't see you because I choose to ignore
Yet you still peer in through the tiny cracks
whispering so softly
The sound cuts me like a knife
Too unique to drown out
My weakness is now visible
and I have no where left to hide
This fence of chiffon and lace
cannot shield this tainted skin
and once again I am destitute
longing for only you
knowing that soon I will plunge
into the sea of greed and desire
building my defence
to lock you out
Am I only locking myself in?

THE WRONG REASON TO LOVE

What's the crime
What's the word on the street
Is it time for a change
or time to stay the same?
What do we know
about this crooked crown on my head?
it won't tell you much
and it'll terrify you
when you really learn
I've got a pocket full of puzzle pieces
packed and pushed to fit together
Really that’s the best I can do
But once I’m steady
I'll be ready
to love


A TIME-WORN HOUSE

A time-worn house
refined, transformed
over and over
Once bright-
an artificial attraction
A material wasteland
and then dark and somber
Hidden and forgotten
empty inside
The latest transition-
a simple white
so elegant, beautiful
Through the cracks
light shines through
Just enough to discern
one room
scattered and unkempt
walls stained
Poison slowly fills the air
undetected
There is chaos within

A MOMENT

Hold on to this moment
For it will never come again
There will be other moments
But never one just like this
Hold on to this moment
It will end before you know it
Soon it will dissapear
Into the past
Hold on to this moment
And never forget it
Keep it close
Never let it fade
Hold on to this moment
For this is life
A series of moments
Each one unique
Hold on to this moment
For it could be you last
Life is too short
For a moment to be wasted

TIME MACHINE

A journey through my childhood
to a time when I was truly happy
All i needed was nothing at all

Help me find my way out
I've come to terms with myself
Don't get ahead of your mind
Feel the aching inside
Nothing is ever easy
When everything you own is lost
Bring me down
From this cloud on the ground
Dirty, dark and destitute
I've made my way here
With no plans to return back home

But
There is safety in the dark
There is comfort in pain
There is love in betrayel
And there is hope down here

I don't like what I've become
Satisfaction has a price
What have I done to myself
And to those I love
I had an image of a girl
Now everything is in it's place
Just as I had planned
But when it all falls apart
You just don't realize what you had
And you want to turn back

But
There is safety in the dark
There is comfort in pain
There is love in betrayel
And there is hope in me

I will make you believe
Just listen to me
I can make you feel alright
I can bring you to your knees
I'm the only one you have

So you better be good to me

And there is strength in being wrong
There is peace when your alone
There is freedom in a lie

No matter what the cost
Believe in what you want
There is no hope down here

Lately I've been feeling a lot of angst in my life and I just cannot seem to drown it out. Last night I lied on my bed and pondered and it brought me nowhere at all. It wasn't even something I could cry about, it just was. I felt completely numb about my life and my future. First I was thinking about my friends and things they have said that maybe I'm looking into too much. Have you felt like people have no idea who you really are? Or that they have this fixed idea of you that you cannot escape? You get this really uncomfortable feeling that you don't belong. Then you think about every move or sentence until you just cannot speak at all. The brain has this amazing way of making you think you're completely alone in the world. Thoughts run through your head that begin to not even make sence anymore and you just wish you could shut them off. I've been feeling more and more this way and I wish I could just "be" without having to think about it. Last night I was out with my friends and I kept thinking I was a character in a film. The one that people don't actually like but feel sorry for them because they are so pathetic. I can't even describe her but I have this clear image of her that I hate so much. In the end I realized this was bullshit and I was being paranoid. It always happens this way. I don't even know why I think about it so much when I know it will be alright like all the other times it's happened. I get one little thought running through my head and it leads into a ridiculous version of my life that's so convincing. I always feel like I am becoming the person I am desperately trying to hide from. It's getting so bad that I am documenting every little word or action. It's almost as if I wish I could have a remote that I could go back and rewind every moment. To be honest, I think I would be stuck in that same place for a long time. It could never be perfect enough. It's complicated. My parents aren't helping either. Living in my house is not healthy anymore. Being the youngest, my parents feel like they have to attach themselves to me and be in every aspect of my life. I'm embararassed by them. I can never just be alone. I need space and it gets to the point where I feel sick when I hear them speak. I went in my basement today to read and my Mom kept coming down and talking to me about nothing at all. My Dad is like an annoying little brother. No matter what I do he has to bother me. I want to move out on my own but I can't afford it. I love them but they need to learn how to detach themselves from my life and realize I'm an adult now. My Mom just needs a friend I think. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if they didn't always fight or nag at eachother and then come to me for sympathy after like I'm their fucking marriage counselor. Oh drama. I love to vent.

Pink Train Park Tiger Beans... Now That's a Catchy Title!

Well, my 20 birthday just passed and I don't feel any different. At least now I can say I'm in my 20's. Strange. The things I planned when I was little. Nothing ever really turns out as planned I guess. It makes life more interesting. I did plan to be going to college and have a boyfriend by now and that hasn't happened. But I never expected that I would have travelled 6 different countries either. I never planned to skydive, or sail, or fly a plane, or almost die in Thailand. Yet I am 20 and I have. I guess I can't say my life is boring. At times, it feels like it. Living at home, working at a coffee shop, hanging out on weekends. That's reality though. If life were exciting every day... it just wouldn't be that interesting. There would be no need to imagine either. That must be why rich people are so boring. It's always the down and out people that seem so interesting. Seriously, some of the coolest people I've met were homeless people on the streets of Vancouver. They appreciate every little thing that brings them the slightest bit of happiness. I'm just too high maintenance for that shit. I'm going to go off topic but I was just thinking about how most of society today is extremely self absorbed and how "people" say we need to love more. When I think about it though, "love" whatever that might be (it's different for everyone) is a little selfish. Think about it. In order to be loved (the most powerful feeling one could have) we need to give love. In that case, aren't we just thinking about ourselves? Love is a strange thing. I love my family because they love me. I love my cat because he makes me feel better. To be "in love" though. I've been infatuated before. I thought it was love at first. It takes that form until it hurts and then you know because "true love" lasts forever. Maybe it only exists in our imagination and that's what makes it so special. To hate someone seems less selfish. To go through the effort of hating someone without getting anything in return. Without it, we wouldn't know love. For some reason though... we fear it. Anyways, that's enough of that shit. I don't understand it and never will. On another note, I'm sick. I have a cold. I haven't had one for about a year and now my entire household is sick and people at work, there's no escaping "the bug." So tonight I rented movies and ate tomato soup. For the first time, I watched "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and I must say that's it has to be one of the best movies of our time. It sure makes you think. The system is so twisted. Psychologists love to make you think you're crazy because they want what's in your pocket. It's true. I bet you could go into a mental institution sane and turn into a lunatic in the end. They want you to feel anything but normal it seems. It's such a manipulative practice. I think psychologists must be a little scattered themselves to get into that type of profession. Does it make them feel better to convince someone that they are weaker than them? To be honest, I saw a therapist a few times and I didn't think I had a problem until after. They pick you apart piece by piece and put you into a little box with a tag on it like you're not even human. Then they sort you out by "title" and send you on to the next room for further inspection. At some point, it's no longer about getting attention and you just give up because you are humiliated more than anything. Whatever... I'm just rambling on now. There are people out there who seriosuly do need mental help and just aren't getting it the right way and I think it's sad. Anyways, that movie is definately worth being watched at least once. Jack Nicholson is an awesome actor and he's so damn cute in this movie. I'm off to bed for the night. I work tomorrow and have to get over this stupid cold! Cheers xox

A reflection
So unfamiliar
She slows her jagged steps
for a better glance
One question
burning in the back of her throat
Choking her
Who is this girl looking back at me?
A face, a body, a voice
A character
clothed in flesh
based on anything at all
It fits her well
this new mask
Simple outside
not like before
yet complicated within
Uncertainty wraps around her
as she stares at the strange figure
Just a reflection

In a room so cold and dark
a stench so potent
You look at me
but not with the same familiar smile
So classic, so delicate
An artist could not capture it's beauty
Only a face, but not your own
Pale as winter, and still like water
Mouth of ink and eyes so hollow
Has she seen you the way i have?
The unrecognizable you
Not painted and dressed up like a doll
So perfect, so flawless
But that's the way she likes you
The only way she can look at you
Even then she can't bear the sight
Not like me
I've seen it all
The ugly, barren you
How could you do this to me?
Leave me to fall?
To see you like this?
Leave me to take the blame?
I knew you so well
or so i thought
Your life so beautiful
yet so dark and frail
At least I know your scent
The only thing I have to hold on to
though soon that will fade
and all I have left
is the burn of the whiskey
The only thing that feels real anymore

Homeless housing is NOT our problem!

You may have noticed that there has been much concern about Vancouver’s poverty and housing issue circulating the news lately and what the government is wanting to do to manage it. Is this a question of trying to actually give these people a better life or are they just trying to eliminate the problem to give Vancouver a better reputation before the Olympics? I realize this has become a problem over the past few years; however, it’s not being dealt with in the best way possible. No wonder more and more people are becoming homeless when you can be provided with everything you need and not expected to give anything back to the general public in return. It almost seems like a good idea for some. There are students who work three jobs to pay for school and the general cost of living. I haven’t seen the government give them anything but a tuition increase. We work hard to put food on the table and provide shelter. Do we receive anything? No. Instead our taxes increase to provide out of work people with food and housing. There is no doubt that conditions of living are harsh on the streets and I realize that many of these people have mental illnesses or addictions. But to suppress the issue by just giving them what they need for nothing in return. Is this the absolute best option there is? Or is it just the fastest and most convenient one before the Olympics begin? Think about it. It’s only going to cover up the problem but in the end, it will not actually solve anything and it will go on for years to come. I have seen people living on the streets that seem quite capable of working, yet it is much easier just to get things handed over to them. Maybe laziness is a factor in all of this. There is no need to change or improve your situation when you are being ultimately rewarded for it. If you actually ask these people, most of them would rather live on the streets instead of working and paying for housing. If we gave them a chance to start a life, some of them would be right back out there. The homeless people of Vancouver are getting used to being mothered by the government. I could almost call it “spoiled.” If you want to see real poverty, go to Thailand or China. Only they aren’t given anything at all but they try to make the best of it because they don’t know any better. Here is an example. A young woman, who often loiters around King George Highway in Surrey and seems quite together asked for money from my friend who then told her to get a job. The woman then replied, “pan-handling is my job.” Here’s a thought to chew on. It may sound utterly ridiculous at first but work around the edges. Make pan-handling taxable! Here’s another idea. Maybe if immigration to British Columbia was cut down, jobs would be more abundant and there would be less people on the streets. It’s not perfect and I honestly don’t know what the solution is. I’m also not going to rack my brain around it because I am not getting paid to do the government’s job. All I am saying is that instead of covering up the problem, get down to the bottom line. Ask what the real issue is behind all of this and then you can resolve it!

Da Vinci Hype?

This blog sometimes seems like nothing but problems. I mean, I don't really want everyone to read it but I know that my friends and family do most of the time and it's nice to see comments. What I don't understand is that people go through the effort of reading it and then write something mean or say no one cares. If you don't like me or don't care... why would you read it in the first place? You would have to be a pretty sad person in my opinion. Anyways, it shouldn't bug me. I guess not everyone has to like me... considering I don't like 80% of the human race. Speaking of which, I watched the Da Vinci Code for the first time the other day and I don't get why so many people have a problem with it. Yeah... I "watched" it, not "read" it because the book is damn confusing and I took the lazy way out. Right... back to where I was. I found it very entertaining and it was an extremely brilliant and creative idea... but nothing more. Which brings me to this. It's amazing how close minded religious people are. There was so much uproar and negative critisism over nothing but pure "fiction" which was even admitted my the author himself. He said that he doesn't even believe it and it just seemed like a good story idea. I believe in God but I also believe in open mind. People get so wrapped up over something and let it control them to the point that they can't even think for themselves anymore. It's pretty damn sad in my opinion that people cannot even accept an idea even if it is fiction just because someone tells you it's wrong. Really people... what is the point of defending something if there is no real threat against it? Are you that brainwashed? Then there is the odd nut job who believes this Da Vinci shit and starts their own twisted religion even if it is just based on one man's idea. An incredible idea at that... but still, not proven or even claiming to be true. Then there is scientology... don't even get me started on that. In my opinion, religion is for people who cannot think for themselves and therefore need to be told what to do and what to believe. Then again... it is also meant for people who are striving for power and want people to follow "them" and believe what "they" believe and not necessarily God. Ultimately, it's a pretty sad and twisted world we are in when what we look to most when we are in need is just another scam created to feed the power driven man. Don't get me wrong since I am a person of faith but it is so hard to see truth in all of this when religious leaders just keep feeding us lies and basically brainwashing us or better yet, scaring us into thinking like them. No wonder so many people have turned away from God. And just because someone like me questions and doubts this "system" as it appears... I'm a bad person?