Lately I've been feeling a lot of angst in my life and I just cannot seem to drown it out. Last night I lied on my bed and pondered and it brought me nowhere at all. It wasn't even something I could cry about, it just was. I felt completely numb about my life and my future. First I was thinking about my friends and things they have said that maybe I'm looking into too much. Have you felt like people have no idea who you really are? Or that they have this fixed idea of you that you cannot escape? You get this really uncomfortable feeling that you don't belong. Then you think about every move or sentence until you just cannot speak at all. The brain has this amazing way of making you think you're completely alone in the world. Thoughts run through your head that begin to not even make sence anymore and you just wish you could shut them off. I've been feeling more and more this way and I wish I could just "be" without having to think about it. Last night I was out with my friends and I kept thinking I was a character in a film. The one that people don't actually like but feel sorry for them because they are so pathetic. I can't even describe her but I have this clear image of her that I hate so much. In the end I realized this was bullshit and I was being paranoid. It always happens this way. I don't even know why I think about it so much when I know it will be alright like all the other times it's happened. I get one little thought running through my head and it leads into a ridiculous version of my life that's so convincing. I always feel like I am becoming the person I am desperately trying to hide from. It's getting so bad that I am documenting every little word or action. It's almost as if I wish I could have a remote that I could go back and rewind every moment. To be honest, I think I would be stuck in that same place for a long time. It could never be perfect enough. It's complicated. My parents aren't helping either. Living in my house is not healthy anymore. Being the youngest, my parents feel like they have to attach themselves to me and be in every aspect of my life. I'm embararassed by them. I can never just be alone. I need space and it gets to the point where I feel sick when I hear them speak. I went in my basement today to read and my Mom kept coming down and talking to me about nothing at all. My Dad is like an annoying little brother. No matter what I do he has to bother me. I want to move out on my own but I can't afford it. I love them but they need to learn how to detach themselves from my life and realize I'm an adult now. My Mom just needs a friend I think. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if they didn't always fight or nag at eachother and then come to me for sympathy after like I'm their fucking marriage counselor. Oh drama. I love to vent.