Waiting for something to happen...

Have you ever been in a mood where you just wonder when life will begin? Have you ever thought that this is all there is? Constant waiting. Unless maybe I am just that big of a loser. Seriously though, I know I am still young but in the real world that doesn't mean shit. Maybe it's because I've been travelling where there is always something exciting even if it's nothing at all. People seem more exciting as well. At home, it's just the same friends and the same damn pub every week. Days feel so much longer now and it's a struggle to pass the time alone. I used to enjoy being alone and I would even pass on going out to watch a movie with my cat. I know that sounds lame, but I enjoyed it at the time. Now I regret not going out as much as I should have in high school. It seems that people are just too busy now working or being a relationship. Is that what I need? A relationship? Maybe, but I am so damn wierd about that. I like someone, I get the chance and then I pick apart evey little thing about them that I don't like. Then when I am finally ready and realize how much I want to be with them, that person loses interest. It happened recently to be honest. I have a friend, I have always liked him, then I got the chance and it got wierd. Now he's acting strange around me. I don't normally care so much about these things but I have realized recently how lonely and pathetic I am. I just don't want to end up alone in a pub somewhere when I am 50. Once again, I know I am only 20 and I have my whole life ahead of me but I'm scared it won't be how I imagine. I'm scared that I'll be saying the same thing in ten years from now. I guess once I start woking more, it will be better. I will get money and I will be able to go to the UK which I've been wanting a long time. Eeven then, problems seem to follow people. I just feel sometimes that I want to go somewhere and start over. Meet new people. Then again I think, "oh yeah, i did that." This is the same reason I went to Australia. I wanted to start fresh. It was great, but then I missed home. Good friends are not easy to leave, trust me. So then I got home, and it went right back to the way it was like nothing happened. I love home, and I love my friends and family but I just wish I had something more exciting in my life. I think the problem is... I am easily bored. With people, places, and even my own image. I always look forward to change and I am always changing. Even then, there is something missing. I'm like an addict. I want something so bad, I get it and then realize that it's not good enough. Maybe I am just way too self absorbed and should stop analyzing myself so much.

I must say it's been some time now I feel that I have left you with no definate update of my life. At the same time though, I realize that you probably have more important things to do besides read about me. But to those of you who do read my blog or are not yet taken over by the world of facebook, I am in fact still alive. I believe the last time I updated I was in Thailand. I didn't know a place so beautiful could exist even though like every country, it had it's flaws. After the last time I wrote, I travelled by long boat to Rayleigh Beach, Phrenang Beach and Phi Phi Island. I spent most of my days on the beach and my nights were spent drinking Chang beer and watching sitcoms. It was all going great until my lack of discretion caught up with me. For about a week, I had been eating seafood and fruit shakes from street vendors without a care. Well, I have NEVER been so sick in my entire life! I ended up at the hospital for two days in Phi Phi hooked up to an IV. I passed out one night after puking up blood for about 3 hours straight and fortunately my friend got hold of the doctor. I got picked up barely conscious by a motorbike with a dilapidated wagon attached. When I arrived at the hospital, I was poked and pinched and got needles shoved into me by people shouting in Thai. Anyways, I won't go into anymore detail, but it was hell. It was the first time in my life I thought I was going to die. In the end I was fine and after a brutal flight to Vancouver, I finally arrived home. Since then, I have been doing absolutely nothing with my life beside spending hours on facebook and drinking way too much red wine. I will be working in August though which I'm not looking forward to. I guess I do need the money to pay off my outrageous debt. Seen as I am almost 20, I have been thinking a lot about my future and what exactly I want to do. I figure that once I pay off my debt, I can get more serious about it since I can't exactly go to school being broke. I am thinking along the lines of travel or journalism... or maybe travel journalism. I also love taking photos and consider that maybe I could one day make money for my amazing natural talents. On the other hand, that might take the fun out of it all. All I know is that I have to do something soon or else I will die drunk and alone, being eaten by my numerous cats with strange names in my studio apartment.